The utter hell of Capcom Arcade Cabinet’s $30 time machine

There must be some demand for ports of these arcade cabinet games from the 80s, right? Otherwise, Capcom wouldn’t be selling them in bundles of three on Xbox Live and the Playstation Store, carefully arranging the familiar with the “what the heck is that one?”. And now you can buy all fifteen games for $30. That’s got to be a good deal for someone, somewhere.

I’ve tried a few of these ports, and I appreciate the retro atmosphere around the edges of the screen. But in 2013, I just don’t understand the appeal of the actual games. Knowing what I know now, having played great modern games, I break out in a cold sweat imagining what sheer hell it would be to have only these to play. Can you imagine whiling away the hours with Ghosts n’ Goblins or 1943 or Contra, with those tinny electronic squakings reverberating in your head, jerking a stubby joystick left and right and left, slapping one or two buttons, seeing the game over screen after losing three lives with a nary a checkpoint to be seen. I’m in hell. I can’t take it anymore! Make it stop!