Galactic Civilizations II: sins of a Canadian empire
Pirates: they got in Canadian space once so they died like the dogs they are; or maggots, which is a more realistic non-swearing term. Next time I saw them, they took out the Drath defenses and stayed there. That’s a punk move. Present agenda: genocide, pirate hunt and more genocide.
After the jump, I get smacked in the face
Or the equivalents of a bitch slap by the bugs as they took the Dark Yor home world. Usually this means that item #4 is genocide but they outnumber me in everything but fat stacks of cash. And they have large ships, a tech those greedy bastards want for thousands of bc. As much as I appreciate most traces of the Yor gone (Lord knows those creeps kept some alive for whatever sick reasons), it wasn’t by me. And I don’t appreciate that.
I should have figured out how to declare war on them before the bugs did on the Dark Yor but I assumed the bugs would leave them be. LaRock isn’t to blame of course. So while my mad scientists work on more soldiering techs to create super Canadian soldiers of war and my slave workshops create war machines, it’s time for another installment of Pimp My Ship:
Continuity says that’s 30 guns and thus two Nano Rippers, the name of the ship and the spiffy weapon it’s sporting. I know it’s obvious but I want to talk about this a bit; it’s wise to go down one route for weapons and a route that counters your enemies, same goes for defense. Its Tactics 101 infused with Planning 101 and Intelligence 201, simple stuff. But I don’t give a damn about that crap. We’re Canadians. If we have one ship, we have two ships. If we have a red fish, we have a blue fish. We go for what makes the biggest boom and what has the most in beatdown power, regardless of their defense against it. That’s how we roll.
A quote from our illustrious leader, Jacques LaRock on the subject: “We build ships not to counter, but to exploit the weakness of their ships being crap.” Wars will be won through brute and savage strength with super Canadians on land and Canadian-brand ships in space.
And incase you haven’t realized, we’re the good guys, despite being classified as evil. Just so you know. While I’m waiting for my ships to reach the Drath, I dialed up the crap sacks we call aliens and had another pair of polite and delightful conversations with the Drath and Drengins, the weak Double-D duo:
“Sup chump. Want some techs?”
“Sure pal, which ones do you have in mind?”
“All this shit that you can’t possibly use because I’m going to liberate your worlds from your stench soon after.”
“Great! Here’s everything I have and some influence.”
“Nice doing business with you fool. I’d spit on your grave if I didn’t want to defy my new planets by digging some.”
True fact: Canadians are natural diplomats. I’m realizing this every time I talk to somebody.
And right after my acts of kindness, I meet up with the pirates who kick my ass. It didn’t even bother going to the space battle to show it. Not only insulting but you don’t mess with the Canadians and expect a peaceful retirement. Once they’re dead, the Canadians will sweep the Drath and finally another plan will go right. And proof as to the power of the superior race and the bugs:
Saying that Canadians are omnipotent is an understatement. Other races revere us as Gods and are right to do so. But the bugs are equal in military, as disturbing as that is. They may have larger ships and massive ships on top of that (Pants crapping), but we’re the good guys with medium-sized ships and the good guys always win in the end. The rebel scum won with tiny fighters and force wizardry so we’ll win with smaller ships decked out in guns.
With our military as it is, the war party is really kicking into gear. We may have been blood-thirsty, glory-bound Canadians seeking a better galaxy for Canadians before this but now we can truly accomplish our long-term goal. When you have the military, you can cast off the shackles of friendship (Them liking me and me hating them), happy trade and all that sissy, sappy crap and get to what’s important: pelt-making plundering and slaughtering. We’ve topped our previous high of morale and we are the Gods of this fetid galaxy! Parades on all planets for LaRock!
A protectorate; they think they’ll be spared the wrath of the Canadians by giving up their freedom? Hah! I’ll admit that the whoresons denied me the final victory, but no mercy will be spared for their endangered species now. The computer does that and it’s a smart move on its part and for it’s species: when you are about to take their last few planets, they are enough of a prick to surrender to the current militaristic giant that isn’t you instead of surrendering to you or be torn to shreds by the war lion. Annoyingly smart but it means that once we get their planet, no one will remember who the Drath are. I hate the AI for that, but I love it for being such smug bastards.
The president’s rebuttal on their honor-lacking (Honorless isn’t a word) demise of a stand-alone nation and favorite quote on all things that go wrong; “Ain’t this a bitch?” Nothing fuels the bloodlust of the blood thirsty like being denied a slaughter. But we get compensated somewhat:
I had my ships near some chump’s planets but not theirs, so I guess they want to be the heroes of this wretched galaxy. The Canadians aren’t going to take that kind of bullshit. If they want to try and be the heroes of this whole charade then everybody suffers as a result. But the one who really suffers…is me. Every time I try to wipe clean a race’s stain on the tablecloth of the galaxy, they surrender to someone that isn’t me, another putrid, rotting stain. I rarely get the final kill for them being complete pussies and not dying as the worms they are. I’ll be denied it again for sure, but we’ll be taking down billions of those vermin before it happens again.
Final episode: Live Canadian or Die Hard
Click here for the previous Galactic Civilizations II entry.
Thrawn plays last gen games for cheap instead of coughing up an extra fiver for recent gen ones. In his defense, he’s simply a cheapskate who scores a decent find.
