Reported! Ask me about the Black Nazarene!

Apparently some game called Brink is out, maybe you’ve heard of it? Early reviews have been less than kind, however that may be due to reviewers playing the 360 version prior to the Day 1 patch for it (since, you know, nobody can play it on the PS3… or can they?). Then again playing it on the PC is rife with the usual seemingly random technical pitfalls – this time it’s ATI graphic cards. Oh, PC gaming. You do so amuse.

As does Sony, of course. I mean, what kind of clueless jerks let themselves get hacked? Wait, someone besides Sony!

Find out what kind of non-Sony jerks get hacked after the jump.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIX!!!!!

Which means Eidos! Will this delay Deus Ex 3? What did they get? Is Tom a suspect?

Square Enix can confirm a group of hackers gained access to parts of our Eidosmontreal.com website as well as two of our product sites. We immediately took the sites offline to assess how this had happened and what had been accessed, then took further measures to increase the security of these and all of our websites, before allowing the sites to go live again. Eidosmontreal.com does not hold any credit card information or code data, however there are resumes which are submitted to the website by people interested in jobs at the studio.

Oh, ha ha, game studio resumes. So they only obtained the electronic data equivalent of belly button lint. Excellent.

Also, and this may surprise you, but a Judd Apatow comedy with a primarily female cast is actually funny. No, really! Check out Bridesmaids with your significant other and act all surprised that it wasn’t a chick flick. Then you make her watch Thor.

Tom “Fuck Star Wars” Chick wants to know if you prefer Jaws or pre-Fuck Star Wars Star Wars. I dare you to say “pre-fuck Star Wars Star Wars” out loud in front of people. Essentially Tom argues that although Star Wars rewrote/arguably invented high-concept space fantasy, changed the way Hollywood markets and releases its big budget films and ushered in a new era of geek film fandom, merchandising overload, and dubiously humorous nerd critiques, Jaws scared Tom out of his little socks when he was a lad. Also, you’re all nerds if you pick Star Wars. I picked Jaws just to fuck with Tom’s head.

Speaking of headfucking: Judge Floro. Nothing I say can do this man justice. He is a schizophrenic time-traveling Filipino judge who converses with actual Otherkin, not the fat bipolar ones thank you very much. The thread in question dates back to 2008 but you simply must read it from the beginning or you’ll have no idea what’s going on! A small taste:

Judge Florentino Floro is blessed by the Black Nazarene with the only hands-palms in world-universe history that eternally displays the red, white, yellow … lights, the Holy Images of Black Nazarene, Risen Christ, Just Heaven, Holy Cross … all visible to any human eye since September 10, 2010. As Prophet, Visionary & Angel of Death, Floro, LUIS, Armand and Angel defeat-annihilate Atheism and Born Again Christians who destroy “Poons” or Catholic Images.

Floro annihilates Atheist Poon-destroyers, what did your lazy ass ever do?

In other news, IMF President Dominique Strauss-Kahn wants you to pray for Republicans, GOP Comedy Candidate Mike Huckabee thinks FEMA is stupid and Ron “Paul Ron” Paul sodomized a hotel maid. Oh wait, ha ha, I got that all screwed up, my apologies.

Lastly, expect gas prices to continue to go up. But this time it’s totally understandable: the Mississippi River moved. Oh, well, I mean shit. What are you gonna do.

That’s all for now, big sexy tigers. Expect me to be far less coherent than usual next week as I emerge from my Witcher 2 coma long enough to bump Little Big Planet 2 off the main page for half the day.

Want more Bill Dungsroman? Get it at The Frip and the Dead