Games I want to see made: Wild Boars Chasing Dumb Celebrities

Recently Ashton Kutcher made comments about how people should get as fit as possible. Maybe he was joshing. Maybe it was just an elaborate joke that tied in to his interview that’s the cover story for Men’s Fitness. Or maybe he’s ready to move to Australia and bunk with Grimoire non-developer Cleve Blakemore in his underground vault. Here is why we have to get in shape, according to Kutcher: We are going to lose our electricity and this will be…The Apocalypse!

“It won’t take very much, I’m telling you. It will not take much for people to hit the panic button. The amount of convenience that people rely on based on electricity alone. You start taking out electricity and satellites, and people are going to lose their noodle. People don’t have maps anymore. People use their iPhones or GPS systems, so if there’s no electricity, nobody has maps.”

Dear god, in a world without maps how will I ever find my way to my local Hooters? It gets worse, though:

“And people are going to go, ‘That land’s not yours, prove that it’s yours,’ and the only thing you have to prove it’s yours is on an electric file. Then it’s like, ‘What’s the value of currency, and whose food is whose?’ People’s alarm systems at their homes will no longer work. Neither will our heating, our garbage disposals, hot-water heaters that run on gas but depend on electricity – what happens when all our modern conveniences fail? I’m going to be ready to take myself and my family to a safe place where they don’t have to worry.”

So what game do I want? A tower defense game would be interesting: How long can Ashton hold out as the mindless cannibals attack? No, that’s not really it.

Kutcher has been running in the canyons near his bunker to get in shape, and he is spurred on in his runs by “visions of being chased by a wild boar.” There’s something Freudian there, but I’m not sure what it is — let us hope Ashton someday gets over his inner struggle and finds peace.

So here’s my dream game, and it’s simple: I play a boar. I chase down Ashton Kutcher. And when I catch him, the world’s collective I.Q. rises dramatically. Queue the Mario power-up music.