Of course, I can sit here till the cows come home trying to convince Trevor that Serious Sam is nothing special, but we're busy playing Gauntlet, killing bad guys by the boatload. When they're all slaughtered, there's a brief respite as we move on to mow down the next mob. There's something satisfying about the calms before and after the storms, the sighs of relief when everything's dead, the anticipation before the next wave comes. The panic and blind firing are crackling bookends to the little stretches of walking from place to place. Carnage. Breathe. Repeat. Games like Gauntlet Legends and Serious Sam are all pace and no AI. The drama is in the quantity. It's harder to do one smart guy than a thousand stupid guys, but a thousand stupid guys is more spectacular to the average gamer. It's a boon to developers that the more spectacular choice is the easier one. It's also harder to criticize. In Serious Sam, Gauntlet Legends, KISS Psycho Circus, and Diablo, the stupidity is hidden behind the pace; things die so quickly, you don't notice that they're deaf, dumb, blind, and incapable of anything other than a beeline. In something like Deus Ex, the enemies live just long enough to do stupid things that ruin any sense of immersion. "So what is with all these games from other countries?" Trevor snatches up a food power up. Spare ribs. "Dude, I needed that. Your health is 687. Mine is 102." "Yeah, but you're just a wizard," he tells me, "You're in a support role. I'm a front line fighter." "I get the next food then. I'm calling it." "So what is with all these games from other countries? I mean besides England." "You mean like Outlive and Evil Islands?" "Yeah, weren't those made in China?" "Brazil and Russia." "Yeah. What about Sea Dogs?" "Also Russia." "I guess games happen when communism falls." "I think Brezhnev was in charge when they were making Tetris." "Tetris isn't a game. It's a puzzle kind of thing. What about Ground Control? That was China, wasn't it?" "Sweden. Europa Universalis is Sweden, too." "Blade of Darkness?" "Spain." "Operation Flashpoint?" "It's not even out yet, but the Czech Republic." "Wasn't Kohan made in China?" "Texas." "Oh yeah." "Fate of the Dragon was made in China." "Ouch. Have any games been made in Kamchatka?" "Kamchatka? That's not a country." "Yes it is. It's a big one, too." "You got that from Risk." "No I didn't." "Where is Kamchatka, anyway?" "Right beside Alaska. You can attack Alaska from Kamchatka. Japan, too." "That was food you just ate. I needed that." "That was food? I thought it was a potion." "It was a chicken leg." "Oh. It looked kind of like a potion." The lesson I have learned from bad horror movie is that 'we have to stick together or those things will get us'. This applies to coop multiplayer games like these. "Besides," Trevor adds, "You keep hogging all the experience by killing all the monsters." "That's because I have to do all the fighting because you're grabbing all the gold." "Enlightened self-interest. Try it sometime. Maybe you wouldn't keep dying so often. That was my gold you just grabbed. Bitch." We have met the enemy and he is not all these mummies and snakes,
he is not those headless bombers, he is not those galloping skeleton
horses or charging buffaloes, he is not the spidery things in Psycho
Circus or the Fallen in Diablo. We have met the enemy and he is
us. And his AI isn't much better than the ravening hordes.
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