Okay, all you movie buffs: I've heard time and time again about movies that were terrible (and I liked most of them), so, I think for the sake of discussion, it has to be asked...

What's the worst movie ever made?

Oh, and by the way -- you can't say Waterworld or Jurassic Park 2 or 3; those are too easy.

ah, worst movie ever. One movie that comes to mind immediately is "Mac and Me", a McDonalds ET ripoff. Its not that its so "bad" bad, like kitsch bad, but pitifuly bad. Its a movie that was meant to be a commercial, like Pokemon, but it had nothing to sell. I felt so much pity for everybody in this movie (that they had to be in it). What's even more sad is i remember seeing this movie at a Thnksgiving with the family... it was on cable and i felt sorry for my mom. The movie made her cry (i mean cry not because it was so bad, but because she felt sorry for the kid). I felt sorry for my mom!

etc

No Retreat, No Surrender!
A terrible, and thereby terribly fun picture.

For flat out bad, might I recommend Nell?

-Andrew
PS: "No Retreat" also marked Van Damme's first appearance. A Russian kickboxer who get's hilariously enraged when someone calls him a "Russian". It had the ghost of Bruce Lee inexplicably smacking around the main character and a fat bully that eats a lot.

Natural Born Killers - Only movie where my wife and I wanted to walk out after 5 minutes and we have seen some real stinkers.

-DavidCPA

I don't think Natural Born Killers was bad, it was just ethically offensive. Everything Kael said about it, more or less.

One movie immediately comes out when you say Worst movie ever, and that is Wing Commander.

Don't see it!

Supposedly Battlefield Earth is a real contender for the title. I haven't seen it.

Both were horrible bad. I think maybe BE was worse the WC but not by much.

Neither is worth seeing, even to see how bad they are.

Wait, what was wrong with JP III? I thought it was a lot of fun. JP II definitely sucked, though. Let's see...

Oh, I remember when I saw The Avengers, with Uma Thurman, that I thought it was the worst movie ever to request money in exchange for a viewing. I guess it was way too long to be a clip on America's Funniest Home Videos though.

Brad Grenz

I will confess that I never saw JP III, but heard from everyone that I talked to -- including a lot of people around here -- said it was horrid.

I don't know what my pick would be, though I'm sure you'd all think I was dumb for picking it -- I'm renowned around here for my taste in movies, aren't I?

Okay, well, this one comes to mind, so here goes: Hook, with Robin Williams? Also, that movie with Ben Stiller -- Mystery Men -- was pretty horrid, but I liked it just the same.

JP III looked like a made-for-TV remake of the first Jurassic Park. The dinos looked like puppets, and the director had no sense of staging (which is Spielberg's, arguably, best quality).
William H. Macy was actually bad (and imagine how the normally bad actors therefore looked) and... the ending was laugh out loud horrible.

-Andrew

I just tried to watch Coyote Ugly. Let's just say that I'm beginning to hate Jerry Bruckheimer.

Even the (moderately) hot chicks couldn't save it. I couldn't stand more than ten minutes.

Gymkata... 'nuff said. LOL

Adam-- You're just starting to hate Jerry Bruckheimer? What took you so long?

Andrew-- Respectfully, I must disagree. I'm not saying JP III was some kind of dramatic paragon, but it was a piece of shit like the 2nd movie. It was nice to get a different director's perspective, and I personally think Joe Johnston is a really talented guy. His film October Sky is fantastic and he's done a lot of brilliant design work (on the Star Wars films, for example, and the Iron Giant). Dumping the Jurassic Park property on any director is kind of a dirty thing to do at any rate. They've got to live up to the first film AND get past the disaster of the second. Johnston did what he could, come up with an excuse to put people back on the island and have them run around being chased by dinosaurs. Carnage, chases and one-liner ensue. And I thought the dinosaurs looked better then they ever have. Let's face it, they always looked like puppets, but the most recent puppets were the best so far. I thought the movie was fun. That's all I'm saying.

Brad Grenz

>Johnston did what he could, come up with an excuse to put people back on the island and have them run around being chased by dinosaurs.

--Minor spoiler--


The problem that JP III had was that all of the characters that were designated to "die", died very early on. As a result, none of the later chases or action scenes had any real tension; you knew that none of the remaining characters were going to be killed. Even when Billy was taken down, I knew he would be back.

As hokey as the second film was, there were moments of genuine fear and suspense, something that was totally missing from the third film. (And for what it's worth, it's not the director's fault that the script for JP III was crap.)

Two movies have caused me physical pain in the form of intense headaches: Johnny Mnemonic and Return of the Living Dead 3. But, the absolute worst movie of all time has got to be Showgirls. It is chock full of horrible acting, inane stories, a callous disregard for the characters whose story is being told, vile plot turns and is the only movie that can have loads of beautiful naked women and make that seem totally uninteresting. Ughh...only movie I ever wanted to walk out on, and wish I would have.

My two cents,

Chris

Coyote Ugly is the BEST movie ever! What other movie delves into the rare condition of not having stage fright when half-naked and singing - but having it just singing. Or exploring the economic model of a bar that continually sprays guests with drinks and seems to pour more booze on the bar and floor than in glasses, with the added bonus of strippers who don't strip, because they are classy.

I cried when the toll guards gave goodman and the chick their special salute - not once! But TWICE!!

Best movie ever.

Chet

Showgirls.....It may have been my lowered expectations due to bad reviews and such, but I didn't think the movie was that bad when I finally saw it.

Coyote Ugly...Haven't caught that one yet, but how could any film with Tyra Banks be that bad.

David, trust me on this, for I once thought as you. I had a dream. A dream that Tyra Banks could make me forget about the plot holes, the omissions, the bad acting.

It's not just a bad movie. I've seen a lot of bad movies. I can't remember the last time I actually turned off a movie because it was bad, and I've NEVER walked out of a theater.

I stopped Coyote Ugly 30 minutes in, and I feel like I need to write Touchstone a letter demanding that 30 minutes of my life back.

' A dream that Tyra Banks could make me forget about the plot holes, the omissions, the bad acting.'

Just watch it with mute on. Hypothetically, that could help.

While I wouldn't watch Coyote Ugly a second time, the first time made me laugh. You just have to look at it with the right perspective:

John Goodman, on an obvious cash run, get to sit around, eat, and occasionally feel up a hot chick while pretending he's her father.

It's almost as good as watching Dennis Miller's self-proclaimed cash run _Bordello of Blood_. Watching him ironically kill vampires with a super soaker full of holy water is sheer entertainment. It only beats _Coyote Ugly_ because of the bare hooters.

And _Showgirls_ is fun to watch because Elizabeth Berkley tries so hard to act, she really does. It's like watching a little bird trying to fly, and failing, over and over.

Poor Elizabeth Berkely.
So naive. So silly. So exploited by two dirty old men out to make their stupid pseudo porno pic. Vorhoeven and Esterhaus should probably be locked up for that film.

Add 20 years to Vorhoeven's time for his Hollow Man. Yeah, I liked Robocop, but that was a long time ago.

-Andrew

Whatever happened to Elizabeth Berkely? She just sort of disappeared after Showgirls.

I have this theory that I'll never know what the worst movie ever made was, just because I've avoided it. Sure, I've been suckered into really bad movies that I thought would be good, or dragged to see drek by my friends. But the really, really awful stuff? How many totally horrid teen slasher flicks, sorority chop-ups, sword-and-sorcery pseudoporn disasters and low-budget burnouts have we all just dodged? And if you haven't dodged them, what sort of masochistic wierdo are you? (grin)

The definition of "Worst Movie Ever" can't go to a low budget schlockfest nobody has seen. It just doesn't work that way, if it did, only true film geeks with no discrimination skills would have any idea what anyone was talking about.

Potential is the main factor, I think. That's why, in gaming, John Romero's Daikatana is infinitely worse than ... say... Skydive... why? Because Skydive never had a chance. It had no budget. It isn't even a game. Daikatana was a dropped pass that was catchable.

Showgirls, with it's cash, hot director, hot screenwriter, hot star, etc., was supposed to be a hit and that's why it's far worse than crapfests like ... say... Condorman.

"Mediocre films are far worse than anything truly bad the cinema can spew forth. Mediocre films had potential."

-Andrew

Well put, Bub!!

And I agree 110%.

Ugh, I forgot about Paul Verhoeven. He is, in the words of our illustious President and Vice President, a "major league ass-hole. Big time." I used to write letters to Daily Radar's showbiz section detailing why he is such a hack (and a pervert).

There are some pretty bad made for the Disney Channel movies. I watched a particularly laughable one entitled the Phantom of the Multi-plex with my sister one night. It had Michey Rooney in it and was supposed to be a modern take on the Phantom of the Opera (which took me forever to realize). The best way I can think to describe the film as nonsensical, although the ending suggested it was based on a true story...

Brad Grenz

I don't know if this counts as the worst movie ever made, but how a great movie that was completely ruined?

I'm speaking, of course, of the 30th Anniversary Edition of Night of the Living Dead. In honor of the 30th anniversary, several new "scenes" were filmed and added to the original. To say the new scenes are disgraceful is an understatement, including the new "ending" that completely undermines the continuity of the trilogy.

Complete shite.

Mac and Me as in a McDonalds Bic Mac

http://us.imdb.com/Title?0095560

nuff said.

etc

Hmmm...It occurs to me. The only movie I really, really regret ever watching was this dumb flick called "But I'm a Cheerleader!" I don't know why we picked it, to begin with, but I really wish that we'd left that one on the shelf...

Don't know if it really qualifies for "Worst Movie Ever," simply because I'm not sure it had the potential to be good, but it really, really sucked.

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Quote:

There are some pretty bad made for the Disney Channel movies.

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The problem in naming a "worst movie ever made" is the criteria. I mean how do you compare what are now "classic" bad movies made on very low budgets, like Plan 9 From Outer Space and Robot Monster, with big-budget bombs? Coyote Ugly is awful, but it's Citizen Kane compared to Glen or Glenda.

Maybe we should use a suckiness to budget ratio. In that case, I would say the finalists are Titanic and Pearl Harbor.

Batman and Robin. Oh, the horror.

"Whatever happened to Elizabeth Berkely? She just sort of disappeared after Showgirls."

She's surfaced now and then in small parts but what happened to her WAS Showgirls. She took the fall while Esterhaus and Verhoeven keep getting work and large paychecks.

(Not to say Berkely would actually have had a career if it weren't for Showgirls...)

-Andrew

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Quote:

I would say the finalists are Titanic and Pearl Harbor

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Shush David,
you'll wake up Wumpus.

It says awful things about our culture that Winslet was/is considered overweight. Awful things.

-Andrew

I don't consider box office returns a measure of quality for movies anymore than the best seller lists are a measure of quality for books.

I thought Titanic was technically brilliant and had some of the worst story telling I've ever seen on screen. The scene with the bad guy chasing Leonardo through the ship filling with water with his gun was laugh-out-loud funny.

As for Winslet, I thought she looked beautiful. I also thought she was the hands-down winner for most wooden performance to ever get nominated for an Academy Award.

People thought Kate Winslet was fat in Titanic? Hai-ya. People are dumb.

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Quote:

I don't consider box office returns a measure of quality for movies anymore than the best seller lists are a measure of quality for books.

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No, but Wumpus did spend an awful lot of time trying to convince us that Winslet as "chubby"... he linked to pictures of her where she looked generally normal sized, well, "normal sized" assuming she isn't from New York, LA, or Ethiopia, as evidence. Suggesting his wife is likely a rake or a broom.

I'll always remember it because it was the first time I encountered Jeff's amazing ability to be willfully wrong repeatedly.

Ah, four months ago. I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now.
-Andrew

Man, that was fun. We should dig up that thread...

I think we could fill a book of those great "Wumpus-isms." :-)

"Batman and Robin. Oh, the horror."

When I read a piece in the LATimes about the costumes, and the designer went out of his way to explain why he made sure to include prominent nipples, I knew that I would not ever see the film.

Something about that last sentence makes it sound like Christopher Walken should read it out loud.

I've got to know: why did he make sure to include prominent nipples? Searching for 'batman nipples' on their website doesn't return anything. ;0

Now that I think about it, the worst movie I've ever seen in definitely Manos: Hands of Fate. Yes, yes, it's the cliched answer, but I don't know if I could sit through that again without bursting into tears. It's like watching a kitten being squashed with a hammer.

Ah, comedy. Thy name is nipple armor. Cause nipples deserve protection too. Evil doers beware, your nefarious titty-twisters can harm me no more!

"(Not to say Berkely would actually have had a career if it weren't for Showgirls...)"

It's called Saved By the Bell, look it up. Funny thing, she played the square who was a militant feminist...

Kate Winslet's not fat at all. Poor acting in Titanic, but she's not overweight.

Technically brilliant, poor story-telling. James Cameron to a tee (wait, I just realised I'm not sure how I should spell "T" at the end of that phrase). Have I told you guys lately how much Dark Angel sucks ass? I don't understand why it was "in development" so long. It's pretty clear all Cameron did was tear out the pages of several cyberpunk novels (Gibson, Stephenson, Shirley) and shuffle them together. Maybe he was waiting until Alba was legal, but in the end he was to slow on the draw cause she's marrying her costar (who is himself way too old for her).

OK, I think I got that out of my system.

Brad Grenz

I've gotta agree with my husband; I think "But I'm a Cheerleader" has to be the worst movie I've ever seen. I cringe at the thought of seeing it again.

For a great cheerleading movie you should check out Bring It On. Black meets white on the cheerleading court? Platform? Sidelines? Wherever the cheering takes place.

It is a beautiful story of love, betrayal and I think more love, i skipped the ending.

Someone is teaching all the cheerleaders the same cheer, what will they do? Sadly the option I was hoping for, "Take off their tops" never happened, but it still made me laugh at the tender moments, always the sign of a good - bad movie.

Chet

One last note about Titanic. I guess I've always been a kind of fanboy about that ship and its story. I've read most every book written about it. I've even attended lectures on it. The accuracy and attention to detail in the depiction of the ship and the sinking in the movie was incredible. The problem is that it was all in the service of a story so shallow and cliche-ridden that it's stupifying. If the DVD version had tool tip labels above the characters, you wouldn't need to know anything else. The Winslet character would be "poor little rich girl," the bad guy, I've forgotten his name, would be "evil suitor," etc. There's more character development of the NPCs in Baldur's Gate II than there is of the characters in Titanic.

My personal worst movie ever? Two words: First Knight. Aside from being the worst movie that Sean Connery has ever had the misfortune to star in (Highlander 2 is a close second), it's like watching the raping of Sir Thomas Malory. As a fan of various Camelot myths (even the somewhat non-traditional retellings, such as White's Once and Future King), it was almost too painful to watch.

What about Dragonheart? That had Connery in it.

"Now that I think about it, the worst movie I've ever seen in definitely Manos: Hands of Fate. Yes, yes, it's the cliched answer, but I don't know if I could sit through that again without bursting into tears. It's like watching a kitten being squashed with a hammer."

Tell me you watched the MST3K version... for your sake I hope so.

-Andrew

How can you list great connery movies without mentioning Zardoz? Best "loincloth in a future filled with men hating women living in hippie communes" films ever.

Chet

'Tell me you watched the MST3K version... for your sake I hope so.'

After watching the MST3K version, we attempted to watch the "unmodified" one, and gave up after about 5 minutes.

"What about Dragonheart? That had Connery in it."

It did, but it wasn't as bad as First Knight... not even close.

Connery... gotta love him but:

Entrapment
Avengers
Finding Forrester
First Knight
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
Highlander 2
Family Business
Zardoz (good call Chet)
Dragonheart
etc.,

He's been in some mediocre to bad films. Generally he's been good in them though. My favorite Connery (aside from early Bond) is his portrayal of an Egyptian with a Spanish name and a Scottish brogue in Highlander.

-Andrew

My old girlfriend dragged me to see Nell. "Messa chicka-beeay"

Godawful.
-DormOnkey

Here's another nomination: "Holiday Inn"

http://us.imdb.com/Title?0034862

This is supposedly a good movie. However, it has:

Astaire & his love interest in blackface, singing. When he starts putting the blackface on his love interest, she says "oh, but I wanted to look beautiful tonight!"

A black mammy and her children singing call/response:
"Who was it in eighteen-sixty-three, th-at set the darkie free?"
"Abraham! Abraham!"

Later on during the Independence Day number they sing Roosevelt's Four Freedoms verbatim while footage of bombers and tanks role by, with Roosevelt in one of those cheesy star things at the center of the screen.

Creepy, creepy, sexual innuendo between the mammy and Fred. There's more than a few occasions when she looks like she's going to devour him whole.

I was laughing so hard at parts I thought I would throw up.

"He's been in some mediocre to bad films. Generally he's been good in them though."

That's why First Knight was the worst of them--not only was it a crappy film, but Connery's performance was awful. You can blame some of it on the script, but not all of it. I keep flashing back to that scene where he discovers that Guinivere is sleeping around, throws his hands up in the air and screams "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo......!" With the camera directly above him and pulling back as his bitter cry of agony fades away. Good lord, that's painfully bad on so many levels. I almost got up and walked out of the theater at that point. The punchline is that I probably should have.

It can be really strange seeing older movies that come from completely different perspectives. Sometimes, they seem weird and tasteless, which sounds like the case with Holiday Inn. Other times, it can be kind of oddly poignant.

I recently saw It Happened One Night. There's some great innuendo and banter between Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert. The funny thing is, it doesn't loose its charge even though it's hopelessly quaint by today's standards.

One of my favorite recent finds is The Searchers, a superlative John Wayne/Ford Western with some really dated, but fascinating, ideas about racism and Indians. What makes it fascinating is that you can see the struggle of emerging social consciousness in the 50s, but set in what might otherwise have been a traditional cowboys and Indians movie. Very sophisticated stuff considering when it was made.

-Tom

All I've ever seen from Holiday Inn is the White Christmas number, so I can't comment on that film one way or another, but, of course, there's nothing unique about those now-embarrassing racial aspects of old films. I'm a big Marx Bros. fan, but A Day at the Races, which is otherwise one of their best films, has two musical numbers in it just as horrible as what Jason McCullough describes. Unfortunately, that simply reflects the prevailing attitudes of the times.

'One of my favorite recent finds is The Searchers'

Oooh, that's a good one. We watched that in a "History of the West Through Film" class.

Watching Wayne stalk up to her at the end of the movie....yeesh. Powerful stuff. Apparently Spielberg called it the "best movie ever made" in an interview.

Clayton: You wanted for a crime, Ethan?
Ethan: You askin' me as a Captain or a preacher?
Clayton: I'm askin' you as a Ranger of the sovereign state of Texas.
Ethan: You got a warrant?
Clayton: You fit a lot of descriptions.

The final shot of Wayne framed in that doorway is also one of the greatest composed scenes in movie history.

Speaking of Spielberg superlatives, I was rifling though my tapes the other night looking for something light to watch (for obvious reasons) and I settled on the PBS show from several months back about Chuck Jones. Now THAT was great! Whoever put the show together had the good sense to include a few of the classics in their entirety. Spielber called One Froggy Evening "the Citizen Kane of animated shorts" and I'm inclined to agree with him.

I admire The Searchers.
But...
I didn't like The Searchers.

Really, I admired many things about it. The script. The scenery. The bravery of tackling a subject like that. And I understand it is a film "of its time" and a remarkable one at that.

I think my problem begins with Wayne and ends with almost every other stilted two-dimensional performance in the film. Sure, we're used to that in westerns but this film, this excellent script, deserved more depth in performance. I'd love to see a more modern (not too PC) take on that script. So long as it had no irony, one-liners, and young TV actors attached.

Note: I began my love affair with the Western with The Magnificent Seven and sorta ended it with William Munny. That has a whole lot of bearing on how I view "The Searchers", I'm sure.

-Andrew

"I've got to know: why did he make sure to include prominent nipples? Searching for 'batman nipples' on their website doesn't return anything. ;0"

As I recall, it was to make them look tougher and more sexy, but the designer's comments also gave it an International Male spin.

"Searching for 'batman nipples' on their website doesn't return anything."

FYI, on Google, a search for 'superman penis' returns twice as many hits as a search for 'batman nipples'. Just in case anyone was wondering.

-Tom

Probably due to that Larry Niven short "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex."

'As I recall, it was to make them look tougher and more sexy, but the designer's comments also gave it an International Male spin.'

Jesus. What sort of EuroFruit do you need to be to consider molded plastic nipples sexy?

'I admire The Searchers.
But...
I didn't like The Searchers.'

It's more of an essay than a movie.

Ah ha! I knew I could find it. I present, for your entertainment:

http://www.blueneptune.com/~svw/superman.html

The movie that killed a studio and a promising director's career... ring a bell? Anyone? Funny no one's mentioned it...even though I actually thought it wasn't half bad, certainly not the stinker history has labeled it.


Oh and I do not agree that Wayne's portrayal of Ethan in the Searchers was one-dimensional. It's one of the best (and most complex) performances he's ever done--next to the one in Red River.

Heaven's Gate?

Other studio killers: One from the Heart.