Well, plenty of negative reviews around if you're looking, including this one from Slate:

"The plodding remake of Planet of the Apes offers proof of Hollywood's simian instincts: Monkey see old hit, monkey do remake. The movie, directed by Tim Burton, isn't laughably bad-but Battleship Earth-type laughs at its expense would make it less of a slog. It lacks the bite of Pierre Boulle's 1963 novel, the twilight-of-America sucker-punch of the 1968 film adaptation, and the maniacal graphic charge of even a messed-up Burton effort like Mars Attacks! (1996). It's just pointless."

Full Review

I was kind of wondering about the point of remaking what I thought was a pretty popular film. Maybe it's old enough that it would be new to a lot of people.

I recently picked up the 6 DVD package of the originals. The first one is still a great movie, but I was surprised at how much worse the others were than I remembered. The production values too. The bonus 'behind the scenes' dvd confirmed a lot of the cheesy stuff my wife & I picked up on:

Who was the awful actress playing Nova sleeping with? (The head of the studio!)
Didn't it look like they were just running around the block at Century City in one? (Yup! It had just been built, formerly part of 20th Century Fox back lots).
Who was the actress prominently credited in 4 of the 5 films but hard to spot sleeping with? (The producer!)

It was also a hoot to hear the studio head at the time confess his absolute ignorance that there was any kind of 'message' or 'allegory' in the original film. He said maybe the others were conscious of that, but he thought it was just a talking monkey movie.

Anyway, I've never read the book, but they explained that the film ending was basically Rod Serling's, and that the book had the ape culture very technically advanced - probably just a little beyond 1960 earth. That was changed for budget reasons, so it seemed to me that might be an interesting change for a remake.

One more interesting bit: the ending of the second film was supposedly Charlton Heston's idea. It was pretty clear (just watching the sequel) that he hadn't really wanted to do it, and he thought the ending would ensure that no further sequels would be possible. At least he got himself off the hook.

"It was also a hoot to hear the studio head at the time confess his absolute ignorance that there was any kind of 'message' or 'allegory' in the original film. He said maybe the others were conscious of that, but he thought it was just a talking monkey movie."

That's pretty funny. Sounds like he was an old school movie man.

"Allegory, schmallegory. You want to sell tickets? Dress up some actors as apes and make them talk. That's a movie!"

What a disaster. I saw Planet of the Apes last night. Packed house. Whoever entrusted Tim Burton with the pile of money to make this must be wanting Burton's hide.

(no spoilers)

It was a steaming pile of crap. No, wait - it was a lukewarm pile of crap, it would have to be better to be steaming.

I like hokey B movies, but this was just amateurish. It was a collection of cliches, poorly done. "OK, we've got the great makeup, now everyone go home. Hey, Rufus, wannna throw story together? We'll be back to get ya later." Let's see - the Apes attack scene, how do we add some drama: oh, let's have the human boy fall off his horse, get trapped, and the hero have to run free him before the apes get there. Apparently the only reason the boy is in the movie. The movie is filled with "huh?" scenes: a big deal is made of a cute little girl being separated from her mom, she's made the pet of a little ape girl, the humans see her crying in her cage as they make their escape, risk being captured to pull her out of her cage and take her, then as they start to run for freedom they decide she would be a burden and give her back. We never hear about her again. Huh? A human man servant is taken with them, he's supposedly docile and has accepted his "place", and yet there's not really a scene that involves him in any way. An Ape slave trader is captured and goes with the group on their escape journey - he's the "Jar Jar" who's supposed to throw in a funny line every once in a while - and yet every one of his joke lines was met by either stoney silence or scattered light chuckles in the large packed theater. When the huge "dramatic" scenes showing massive Ape armies were on screen, intended to fill the audience with awe, people in the audience were making "OH - EEE - OH" sounds (the sounds from the Wizard of Oz when the monkeys fly.) This was an audience that was buzzing before the movie started, that was bellowing with laughter at silly scenes in the previews and gasping at the dramatic scenes in the previews, yet people sat there stunned at how awful this movie was. And not even "good" bad, like Battleship Earth. Burton was obviously trying to be dramatic and suspenseful in much of the movie, but he couldn't have been more cliched and trite. When the movie was over, people walked out just looking at each other and shaking their heads. Just awful, and not even enjoyably awful.

"And not even "good" bad, like Battleship Earth."

Are you suggesting this movie is WORSE than Battlefield Earth? I honestly don't see how that is possible.

No, Battlefield Earth was SO over the top bad that it was unintentionally hilarious. You can't help but howl at the scenes in BE. Apes is terrible in a boring, cliche ridden way that just makes you roll you eyes and wonder how anyone could give Burton $100 MM to make a movie.

I will probably be relegated to "ignore forever" status for making the following remark, but I have seen worse movies than Battlefield Earth. Armageddon was one, and there are a lot worse.

Battlefield Earth earns it's award because it tries to be a good movie. Travolta, being an ardent Scientologist, so wanted to make Hubbard's book into a serious SciFi movie, and it's just so laugh out loud hilariously bad. A great bad movie is one you want to watch again with a friend just to laugh at it. Armageddon may be a bad movie, but I doubt anyone making it thought they were making anything other than a throwaway popcorn movie.

Of course, I suppose based upon the A.I. thread, I shouldn't attack Battlefield Earth so harshly, since Travolta was TRYING to make a message movie. LOL!

"When the huge "dramatic" scenes showing massive Ape armies were on screen, intended to fill the audience with awe, people in the audience were making "OH - EEE - OH" sounds (the sounds from the Wizard of Oz when the monkeys fly.)"

That is really funny! That's almost worth the price of admission.

Thanks. I'll save my money.

I'll put my vote up for "Blood Sucking Freaks" as one of the worst movies I've ever been subjected to. So bad, I want to see it again in fact.

Damn are there any *decent* big budget movies being released this year ?

I was looking forward to Final Fantasy and Planet Of The Apes but I have read so many bad reviews I won't be seeing either film until they come out on video.

Looks like Lord Of The Rings may be the only decent film out this year.

You might want to catch Final Fantasy. I enjoyed it. The story's a bit goofy, but it's good sci-fi action and the animation's amazing at times. It's sort of like Max Payne in that regard, although Max Payne makes Final Fantasy's story look like Pulitzer material.

The only reason why you might want to consider seeing it at the theatre is because, you know, it's better on the big screen with Dolby sound, etc.

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Of course, I suppose based upon the A.I. thread, I shouldn't attack Battlefield Earth so harshly, since Travolta was TRYING to make a message movie. LOL!

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What is the story behind the Battlefield Earth books? Did L. Ron Hubbard really write them? If so, why after all those years of not writing SF? Or was he writing those and just sitting on them?

I've read an anecdotal story or two about Hubbard back when he was still a pulp writer saying things about how the real money would be in starting a religion.

Regardless of how good or bad the new Planet movie is, it can't possibly top the Dr. Zeus (sp?) musical from the Simpsons. 'You've finally made a monkey out of me......'

As to Hubbard - Niven still insists that he was playing poker with Hubbard and some other writer I can't remember the name of, when the other guy bet Hubbard he couldn't get a religion started.

The rest is manIMAL history. So they say.

I think Hubbard wrote a couple of Battlefield books and then farmed out the series, al la Clancy.

After searching USENET:

'Yeah, and the bar bet between Hubbard and Heinlein is still going too.
Heinlein said that a "made up" religion, like the one he wrote about
in "The Day After Tomorrow" aka "The Sixth Column", wouldn't really
attract a sincere following. Hubbard asserted that it would, and
proposed
to write a bunch of psycho-babble and insert a few wild SF themes
(like previous alien control of the population) and see who would join
and
believe... Harlan Ellison (according to the legend as stated by him) was
the witness to the bet. The result is the Church of Scientology. Sigh.'

That sounds about right.

Battlefield Earth is actually funny because it is more naive in its intentions then PotA... I thought Travolta in Battlefield Earth was hilarious... even when he was supposed to be cutthroat. I just kept imagining Babarino from Welcome Back Kotter with some bad makeup... Battlefield Earth is the funniest movie ive seen in awhile! and theres something about Travolta... he seems like the type of guy who would be cool to have a beer with.

etc

I don't know about the poker bets, but it is documented (several places, including old newspapers and a Sci-Fi newsletter of the time) that Hubbard spoke at a sci-fi writers convention and stated that writing for pennies a word is OK, but if a man wanted to make a million dollars he would start his own religion. The next year (1951) he published the first tenets of Scientology in a sci-fi magazine (Fantastic something.) And it is amazing that smart folks like Travolta can actually buy into it - but let's not start a religion thread here.

Hubbard died in 1986. He was in hiding for years before his death (the IRS really wanted to talk to him). Depending on who you talk to, he wasn't really in great shape in the years leading up to his death. Aside from a host of physical ailments he was sure that the spirits of dead space aliens were infesting his body and that everyone was out to get him. Considering how he'd lived his life, he was probably half right.

Battlefield Earth was published in 1982. The Mission Earth series was still spitting out new books as late as 1994. The Scientologists keep finding new "previously undiscovered" Hubbard manuscripts. Considering they own the copyrights on everything Hubbard wrote, they own the pubishing house (Bridge Publishing) which puts out all the books, and they order their congregations to go out and buy the latest book (sometimes multiple copies), can you really blame them?

Sorry, I used to be into protesting Scientology. I've since found other hobbies, but old habits die hard.

'And it is amazing that smart folks like Travolta can actually buy into it - but let's not start a religion thread here.'

Of course, if Travolta's a moron, there's nothing amazing about it at all.

"Aside from a host of physical ailments he was sure that the spirits of dead space aliens were infesting his body"

Well, remember, that's a part of the teaching of Scientology - everyone is filled with Thetans (extraterrestial beings that are stored in a central storage facility and then sent to Earth to inhabit huyman bodies.) Of course, if we keep chatting about Scientology, we're going to need to employ Desslock - these may be the most litigitous (sp) folks on earth.

There are a lot of Hollywood stars into Scientology, aren't there? Does it reinforce that wealth, fame, and power are signs of natural superiority or something? I'd think wealthy people would like a religion that made them feel good about being wealthy. I think amassing worldly goods and emulating the life of Christ doesn't always go hand in hand.

Scientology caters to the rich. They have special "temples" that only the rich are allowed to go into, and they have a huge yacht that you can purchase trips on for very, very high fees. Also, the whole "clearing" process is fairly expensive, and they keep adding new levels for you to be cleared, thus requiring more money.

The "theories" behind the "religion", beyond the alien Thetans and such, are a real mass of psychobabble. Anyone who has studied psychologies will recognize little bastardized pieces here and there, but even the American Psychiatry Association (or whatever they are called)denounced the psycholigical part as flim-flam.

I studied it out of interest, trying to find as much non-axe-grinding sources as possible. Interestingly enough, the most damning data is the actual Scientology data and Hubbbard's writings.

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Of course, if we keep chatting about Scientology, we're going to need to employ Desslock - these may be the most litigitous (sp) folks on earth.

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I am constantly amazed by the numbers of people who are taken in by these wacko religions. Almost as bad as the Christian religions.

I guess actors are taken in more than other people since a. they have too much money, and b. have too much free time on their hands.

There must be a heck of a lot of people in this world who need a psychological crutch. Safety in numbers I guess.

Anyone catch that Benny Hinn (sp?) nonsense where he heals people live on stage ? The human mind seems to be extremely adept at convincing itself to believe anything no matter how tenuous it is.

Absolutely amazing.

What's really sad is that some of these faith healing charlatans are exposed and their followers refuse to believe the evidence.

There's that guy that Randi exposed on the Tonight Show years ago. He's back in business now, making millions.

I'm also worried that there's this increasing disbelief in science I see evidenced. More and more people think the moon landings were faked. My own son saw some dopey tv special about it and now has this seed of doubt planted. He's like, "You know, we can hardly get our rockets to launch without blowing up. How did we ever land on the moon 30 years ago?"

"Does this mean in "real life" Desslock is an attorney at law?"

Stefan (Desslock) is, I believe, a corporate attorney in Canada. Supertanker, who also posts on these boards from time-to-time, is also an attorney, as am I.

So, if you guys want to go on bashing Scientology, I don't think any of the three of us will complain. =)

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Stefan (Desslock) is, I believe, a corporate attorney in Canada. Supertanker, who also posts on these boards from time-to-time, is also an attorney, as am I.

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"Supertanker, who also posts on these boards from time-to-time..."

You can tell I'm an attorney because when DavidCPA asked the question about Desslock on a nice Sunday afternoon, I was at work. I should have been a plumber.

The QT3 message boards - revealed as the Land Of The Secular Humanists.

I was in the church of scintology. I did the enneagram stuff. its good for you. good fer me good fer you. i lost my house with it though.

no wait, i just read an article with Tom Cruise some time ago... i must be mistaken. That wasn't me, i was imagining myself married to Nicole Kidman accidentally.

Actually i wouldnt mind that.

etc

Mark Asher spoke thusly: "What is the story behind the Battlefield Earth books? Did L. Ron Hubbard really write them? If so, why after all those years of not writing SF? Or was he writing those and just sitting on them?"

This may have already been cleared up, but you are getting the Mission Earth 10-book series confused with the single novel Battlefield Earth. They are related only by author.

Anyone who want to know more about Scientology and it's dangerous silliness, I recommend checking out www.xenu.com

It's an anti-Scientology site that contains a wealth of information about the group, which by the way, wields alot more power than most people think, but not as much as Scientolgists would like you to believe.

"The QT3 message boards - revealed as the Land Of The Secular Humanists."

Nah, I'm your standard Ph.D. Chemist/Physicist/Biotech Christian. Makes for great debates.

"which by the way, wields alot more power than most people think, but not as much as Scientolgists would like you to believe."

I recall an early nineties Time cover which depicted Scientology as a giant money grabbing Octopus. That visual always stuck with me.

-Andrew

Well I guess it is no different to Nutrimetics and Amway. Both of these have followers who try and extort money from friends, family, workmates, etc.

All of these "religions" will continue to exist as long as there are weak-minded fools out there.

Nah, what they depend on is a supply of weak-minded fools WITH MONEY. Once those have been parted, the religions will dry up quickly.

But prosecuting the miracle diet/sweepstakes/pyramid scheme scammers really slows the process down. Not to mention the pop tart fire type of lawsuit jackpots.

"Not to mention the pop tart fire type of lawsuit jackpots."

Anyone else remember Dave Barry's column where he taped down the toaster handle with a Pop-Tart inside? Anyway, allow me to quote from the warning (printed in red instead of blue, even) on a package of Kellogg's (tm) Pop-Tarts (r) toaster pastries: "Do not leave toasting appliance unattended due to possible risk of fire."

Obviously, these kinds of suits are not new to Kellogg's (tm). I also like how they constantly use the phrase "toasting appliance." I'll bet it used to say "toaster" until some idiot burned his house down by torching a Pop-Tart (r) in a "toaster oven," and then claiming he thought the warning only applied to "toasters."

Speaking of lawsuits, there was an odd death today in a New York hospital. Some poor kid was getting an MRI and someone walked into the room with a cannister of oxygen. Apparently the MRI machine is pretty powerful, because the metal cannister got sucked into the MRI by the magnetic force and hit the kid hard enough in the head to give him a fatal fracture. The hospital already issued a statement saying they were fully responsible. Actually, they may settle this before a suit is ever filed. Something tells me the insurance company and hospital are ready to pay up for this one.

"Something tells me the insurance company and hospital are ready to pay up for this one."

Oh yeah, when the negligence is that blatent, you just get out the checkbook. The family's attorney may file suit anyway, if only to protect against the statute of limitations. But the only way this ever goes to trial is if they can't agree on a $ amount.

This has little connection to this (or any other) thread too, except that it involves the weak-minded. There's a story in today's Chicago Sun Times about a guy who tried to hold up a Dunkin' Doughnuts and was arrested--you guessed it--by the cop standing behind him in line. Can you think of a dumber place to try to rob than a doughnut shop?

I read about that also.

In fact, in the article I read it mentioned that roughly the same thing happened with a security guard and his .45 auto. I was pulled out of his hands and discharged. Lodging a round into a wall. Pretty weird.

But with the kid it was probably was some maintenance guy bringing an oxygen tank refill. Poor bastard.

Still is amazing though considering the size of the oxygen tank is roughly the size of a fire extinguisher. Those suckers are heavy. Pretty amazing that an MRI machine can pull it across the room at a speed it could kill someone. Wow.

With all the strange and non-strange crap in the world that can get a kid killed these days I am surprised, Mark, you aren't a basket case most of the time. ;)

Jeff

"With all the strange and non-strange crap in the world that can get a kid killed these days I am surprised, Mark, you aren't a basket case most of the time. ;)"

As a parent, you constantly worry, but as the years pass you worry less -- complacency sets in, I suppose. It probably isn't all that much more unsafe than when I was a kid, but the magnification of horror stories through the media makes it seem much worse.

"As a parent, you constantly worry, but as the years pass you worry less -- complacency sets in, I suppose. It probably isn't all that much more unsafe than when I was a kid, but the magnification of horror stories through the media makes it seem much worse."

Exactly. With a 6-year-old of my own, my first reaction on seeing that story was that pain of empathy all parents feel when something happens to a kid. But then you stop and think, and you realize that this was as freakish as an accident can get; that you hope your own kid never gets sick enough to need an MRI; and that, on balance, you're glad medical science is advanced enough to have things like MRIs if she ever does.

"I suppose. It probably isn't all that much more unsafe than when I was a kid..."

Yeah, but I would guess death by MRI has to be a new one. Though I suppose it just replaces being tramped by a horse-buggy or some silly thing like that. ;)

Jeff

My oldest had an MRI when he was about 3 because he had symptons of a brain tumor. It doesn't get much scarier than that for a parent. Turns out he probably just had migraines. Kids can get them and they don't always hurt but do other things, like make them puke for no reason in the middle of the department store.

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Also, the whole "clearing" process is fairly expensive, and they keep adding new levels for you to be cleared, thus requiring more money.

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