it can be found here
http://www.starwars.com/episode-ii/video/trailers/forbiddenlove/
I find it hard to believe that Lord Vader was a mushymushy in love sort of guy. And he turns evil because Obi whatever is holding him back? lol come on really. Oh well. Looks like there is one good reason to see it tho... :)

"Looks like there is one good reason to see it tho... :)"

You mean Jar-Jar?

I think he meant Natalie Portman's exposed midriff.

God, who cares? Why will the second one suck any less than the first?

"Hey, George, how about Titanic?"

"Can I put KOOKY KLONEZ in?"

"Sure."

I saw that one before "Harry Potter"
yesterday. The audience made a definite
"guuuhhh?" sound afterward, reminiscent of a
sucking chest wound.

Looks like some sort of teenage romance pic.
I dearly love Boba Fett, but the 5-second flash
of him wasn't worth the nausea-inducing,
stilted luuvvv dialogue and
more-frequent-than-Britney-Spears
costume changes for Ms. Portman.

And I'm sorry, but a teenybopper future Darth
Vader sporting a MULLET and even more
heinous, a RAT TAIL just demonstrates that
Lucas has completely lost it.

"Harry Potter", however, was great.

Has George Lucas become senile ?

He's just loopy from schtupping Natalie Portman. Look what it did to Luc Besson; THE FIFTH ELEMENT? C'mon!

What you talkin' bout, pseudonym? Fifth Element is great. I realize that a lot of people just can't get past the hip-hop diva scene, but .. damn. Chris Tucker and Gary Oldman in prime form.

I'm sorry, that one was a result of schtuppin' Milla Jovovich, not Natalie Portman.

Naw, I liked the movie. Saw it twice in this huge Cinerama theater in Seattle when the film first came out, and loved it.

It's just that all of my friends hate it. They want it to be more serious or somethin'. Fawk 'em. Or should I say Wump' 'em?

My favorite scene in fifth element: when Bruce checks the security camera, then opens his apartment door into the hallway-- and is confronted by a freaky guy wearing a hat with an image of the hallway on it, and holding a gun in his face.

I'm not sure, but I think Bruce Willis almost broke into laughter near the end of that scene, with the "that's a very nice hat" comment. "YOU LIEEKE ITT?!?!"

And I just love the impromptu shuffling dance the freaky guy does in the hallway.

If you check the script, though, none of this is there (search for "mugger"). You gotta love the little nuances that make a movie what it is..

http://www.godamongdirectors.com/scripts/ele5ment.txt

The Fifth Element was so goddamn cool in theatres and people that see it at home just cannot enjoy it the same way. That film should never have appeared on DVD/VHS. It's just too big to be contained on the small screen. I like to think of the whole film as "controlled chaos".

--Dave

I saw the "Breathing" trailer at Monsters, Inc., and it looked pretty cool. I think I liked Obi-Wan better without the beard, tho.

I think the Jedi are like Hasids, or fundi Muslims, gotta grow that beard out.

I really liked all of the Episode 2 trailers. Then again, the Phantom Menace trailers were far, far better than the actual movie -- still, it's promising. Three trailers - three good samplings of Boba Fett (or his pa, Jango), and virtually no Jar-jar. That's a pretty damn good start.

This is an excellent site to access the trailers:
http://www.movie-list.com/s/starwars2.shtml

Stefan

I'm pretty sure Jar-Jar will be there. I thought I glimpsed him in one of the trailers. Sorry, guys.

I liked the trailers. But, I liked Episode I, too. So maybe my opinion isn't worth much around here...

Rented the Episode I DVD this weekend and the movie is growing on me. Darth Maul is a very cool villian. The movie, although being a bit cute in parts, does leave you with a sense of dread leading into the sequels. Trailers looked cool, but will not be to judgemental till I see the real thing in May(?).

DavidCPA

May 16, 2002, in the U.S. and Canada. A Thursday this time around, in an astounding break with Star Wars tradition!

Episode II will open in quite a few countries as early as May 17. Get your red-hot release dates here.

Okay, maybe I'm a chump, but I really loved those trailers, and want to see the movie.

I remember being like 11 or 12 when the movie first came out, and that mechanical breathing from Vader was some serious kind of sinister.

I do hear that Jar-Jar's role has been "substantially reduced" after enormous negative response from the fanbase.

The thing I can't figure out is how on earth Lucas liked the character in the first place. Has he lost all taste since the 1980s? Jar Jar's stupid on so many levels:

1. He's a racist stereotype. Ok, I *suppose* Lucas could be living in a magical ethnic-free fantasy world and didn't notice, but it's awfully goddamn coincidental. Don't get me started on the Asian trader conspiracy or the Jewish slave-owning bug.
2. He acts infantile.
3. He looks kid-friendly; you expect him to burst out in Barney tunes.
4. He's incompetent. Even R2-D2 was a badass in the first three.

It's like a marketing executive tried to cram every buzzword for extracting money out of kids into one character. I'm probably missing more defects.

I love the part in the Episode II trailer where Anakin yells at Obi-Wan, "You're not my real dad!", or something like that, and then he goes for a cruise on his motorcycle in the sunset, all teeney and pouty and stuff. It made me think of crazy/beautiful.

I guess the next step for the teening of American movies after Jane Austen (Clueless) and William Shakespeare (Ten Things I Hate about You, O) is Star Wars. Isn't Kirsten Duntz in this movie?

-Tom

Yeah,
I liked the first two trailers but... then I saw the third one (conveniently downloadable at the site Desslock linked above). Lucas is not a good dialogue writer and I openly shudder at his coming attempts at teen romance. Also, don't you love the scene where he throws something in a petulant rage and pouts. Now we know where Luke got it from.

I like Portman's Princess Leia-esque hair styles though.

Yippie!
-Andrew

PS: Bah, all that said, it'll be a good time come May.

I can't wait to go get food poisoning at Taco Bell so I can collect all of the Episode II tie-in merchandise.

Be sure to get a Boba Fett cupholder while they last.

Dunst.

Amanpour

And I wish!!

How long until the Usenet porn stories where Anakin mind-controls Natalie Portman into various unnatural acts?

Personally, I'm working on one where the clones referenced in the title are all Natalie Portman, and all wearing the Princess Leia brass bikini from Return of the Jedi. In the climactic scene (ahem), they choke Jar Jar with a chain instead of Jabba.

Durst: http://www.iwon.com/home/entertainment/celeb/page_six_article/0,13907,11_20_2001_7,00.html
Amanpour:
http://www.iwon.com/home/entertainment/celeb/page_six_article/0,13907,11_20_2001_1,00.html

'How long until the Usenet porn stories where Anakin mind-controls Natalie Portman into various unnatural acts?'

And with that, I now post links to the most offensive Star Wars-related things ever written. Originally posted to alt.tasteless back in 1996; don't read these at work. *Really* don't read these at work. I'd recommend starting with 4. Contains:

Yodot the alcoholic pedophile.
R2D2 as a bipolar suicidal who keeps threatening to blow up the ship, and addicts Luke to drugs to guarentee his continued existence.
Jabba the Hut, porn director.

I really can't do it justice. It's probably the most offensive thing I've ever read.

http://groups.google.com/groups?q=star+whores+1&hl=en&rnum=1&selm=5hfi9n%24blg%40bolivia.earthlink.net

http://groups.google.com/groups?q=star+whores+2&hl=en&rnum=1&selm=5hfic5%24blg%40bolivia.earthlink.net

http://groups.google.com/groups?q=star+whores+3&hl=en&rnum=1&selm=5hfifp%24blg%40bolivia.earthlink.net

http://groups.google.com/groups?q=star+whores+4&hl=en&rnum=1&selm=5hfiel%24blg%40bolivia.earthlink.net

http://groups.google.com/groups?q=star+whores+5&hl=en&rnum=1&selm=5hfijl%24blg%40bolivia.earthlink.net

http://groups.google.com/groups?q=star+whores+6&hl=en&rnum=1&selm=5hfim3%24cba%40bolivia.earthlink.net

http://groups.google.com/groups?q=star+whores+7&hl=en&rnum=1&selm=5hfq8j%24ptu%40bolivia.earthlink.net

http://groups.google.com/groups?q=star+whores+8+menstrual&hl=en&rnum=1&selm=5hfqvu%24qo9%40bolivia.earthlink.net

http://groups.google.com/groups?q=star+whores+9&hl=en&rnum=1&selm=5hfti6%24ea%40chile.earthlink.net

Yikes.

STAR WHORES 3: SPERM OF THE JEDI
or WOOKIES 'N CREAM

by Jefferson Morris (copyright 1994)

Lando peered coldly through a thickening cloud of
Tibanna gas pipe smoke. He threw his multi-colored sabacc
cards to the floor with a grunt of disgust.
"You slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler."
Han grinned broadly. "You stuck up, half-witted,
scruffy-looking nerf-herder."
"Cum-burping, butt-smuggling, two-bit Correllian jizz-
wailer."
Han dropped his cards and cracked his knuckles. "Come
on, Lando. I don't want to have to sick Chewie on you.
Let's see some skin."
Lando slowly stood up from the table, wearing only a
tight g-string made of Calamarian leather. The rest of his
clothes lay in a small pile on the floor. Also seated at
the circular table were Chewbacca, Boba Fett, and IG-88,
all in various states of undress. Han was the only one
still fully-clothed. They were playing on an open balcony
adjacent to Lando's suite, offering a magnificent view of
the Cloud City Skyline at sunset.
Lando awkwardly peeled off the g-string, allowing his
sizable penis to flip free and dangle in the Bespin breeze.
His scrotum had shrunk to the size of a walnut. Han leaned
back in his chair, stuffing his winnings into his pockets.
He smirked. "Look at you. Titty hard-ons, nuts
sucked in tighter than your stomach. You look like a
first-timer. Who'd have thought that, huh? Are you afraid
your mom's gonna walk in?"
"It's that goddamn Wookie. He keeps sniffing my ass."
Chewbacca flexed his shoulder muscles and grunted.
"Rrrrggg rowwrr, rreearrrr, raaahhhrr." (On Kashyyyk, one
born so poorly hung would be left to die on the Great
Mountain of Moopsac.)
Lando glared at Chewie. "What the fuck is he saying?"
Han shrugged. "Beats the shit outta me."
"He's your pet, isn't he? I thought you understood
his language."
"Language? He's just a big grunting animal. I doubt
he's thinking cosmic thoughts. What would we talk about,
anyway?"
"Rrrghh raaaruu roooghgg rarahh." (I could have a
more stimulating conversation with a mild case of Brigian
crabs.)
Boba Fett, wearing only his helmet, broke in. "If
he's so dumb, how come he can pilot your ship and fix it
quicker than you can, Solo?"
Han lit the bud on the gas pipe and inhaled sharply.
His voice took on a high pitch as he held the gas in his
lungs. "Typical Skinnerian reward/punishment training."
He exhaled slowly. "How did you think? Documentaries?"
"Raaa rourreh ree rahh." (Sure, fucknuts. He taught
me. Shit, I'm only 165 years older than anybody else at
this table.)
Han stood up. "Okay, Lando, enough stalling. You
know the rules. You lost your dignity fair and square.
It's time to pay the piper."
Lando's penis retracted an inch as he shuddered.
"Can't I pay you guys in credits this time?"
IG-88 stood up with a mechanical whir. A staccato,
synthesized southern drawl emanated from his vocoder.
"Calrissian, I didn't come all the goddamn way to the
asshole of space just to whack over a tech manual. My
joint is almost frozen. I ain't takin' off 'til I get it
off, so spread 'em, ya fuckin' asshole."
Lando reluctantly switched off the sabacc field and
lay down on his stomach, draping himself over the table.
"Fuckin' bounty hunters. I told you we didn't need this
scum, Solo. Don't you give a rat's ass about me anymore?"
Han unzipped his pants and began massaging his penis,
making it erect. "Fuck you, if I'd lost, you'd be able to
fly the Falcon through your shit-eating grin."
"Come on, you old pirate. Double or nothing?"
"Double what? Have you grown another asshole
recently?"
Chewie parted the fur on his groin, and his furry
black organ slowly emerged, like some kind of mutant
digworm testing the air. Lando spied it and his eyes
widened in horror.
"Holy fuck," he whispered, his teeth chattering.
"That's no dick. It's a space station."
"Better let him be, it's not wise to upset a wookie
with wood." Han was now at half-mast.
"Fuck you, Han. Nobody worries about upsetting a
Tibanna gas mine administrator who's down on his luck."
"That's 'cos Tibanna gas mine administrators don't
have two-foot cocks that could blast a hole in a shield
door."
Lando began sweating in terror. "I've got a bad
feeling about this."
Boba Fett hissed sharply. "What if Calrissian doesn't
survive? He's no good to me dead. Well...not much good,
anyway."
Han bit his lip, his face reddening. "You can go
before Chewie, okay? If he dies before your turn, then
check in at a jump joint. Either that or make sure you can
set the shower on Slave 1 to 'cold', 'cos I'm sure as shit
not touchin' your greasy ass."
Lando, his eyes still locked on Chewie's member, was
barely able to form words. "This deal's getting worse all
the time."
Chewie chortled. "Rrrr rgaarghh reurrrarh roowarrhh."
(If Mallatobuck could see me now she'd shit. A human
rectum has all the resistance of wet tissue paper. Christ
knows what I'll catch from this faggot. Oh, how I long for
the mighty, fur-lined cunts of Kashyyyk!)
IG-88 sprayed oil on his gleaming penile attachment.
"We need a battin' order, boys. If the dog goes last,
who's on first?"
Han grabbed Lando's buttocks and pulled them apart,
surveying his quivering anus. "I am." He spit on his
fingers and lubricated his cock.
Lando groaned. "Come on, Solo. Gimme a break. What
about my little maneuver at the Battle of Tanaab? Isn't
that worth a reprieve?"
"Have you forgotten about your 'little maneuver' at
the Orgy of Mytus VII?"
Lando rolled his eyes. "That was a long time ago, I'm
sure everybody's forgotten about that by now."
Fett piped up. "Mytus VII? There's no such planet."
Han stuck his finger into Lando's ass, loosening it
up. "They changed the name to Mytus VIII after the Orgy.
Too much bad press."
Lando squirmed at the sensation of Solo's cold index
finger. "I was...just following orders."
"Rrrahhh rowrr rrerahhr reeereghar." (At least
Kamarrian Howlrunners have a little fight to them. All
these humans do is talk, talk, talk.)
Han positioned his cock squarely, aiming it. "Cheer
up, Lando. You should be honored makin' it with a
scoundrel like me. I've got the death penalty for
statutory rape in twelve systems."
Suddenly, a familiar low-pitched voice burst onto the
balcony. "Sure, Captain Solo. Maybe a long time ago, in
a galaxy far, far away." Darth Vader, followed by a
retinue of stormtroopers, slid the balcony door open and
stepped through, his black cape billowing menacingly.
Han spun quickly and drew his blaster, already firing.
The bolts ricocheted harmlessly off Vader's outstretched
hand, and Han felt an invisible force rip the gun from his
grasp and pull it across the room into Vader's palm. Then
another invisible force yanked his zipper up sharply,
catching his erect cock. Han screamed and fell to his
knees, clutching himself.
Lando sprang off the table, rubbing his ass. He
smiled broadly and mussed Han's hair, laughing. "I had no
choice. They arrived right before you did. Sorry, man.
Whew!" He shook his head and began putting his clothes
back on.
Vader handed Han's blaster to one of his stormtroopers
and began collecting the credits on the sabacc table into
a pocket on his cape. "I'm afraid you boys are gonna have
to come with me. We understand that certain illicit
substances are being distributed from this station." Vader
picked up the Tibanna gas pipe and examined it. "How
interesting. Some kind of musical instrument?"
Lando shook his head innocently. "Solo brought that
with him, Lord Vader. I was just about to report him to
the authorities."
Han hissed through clenched teeth, still cradling his
wounded prick. "Yeah, you're a real fuckin' hero."
Chewie leaned against the balcony railing and shook
his head. "Rrrrarhhrrhh rauuurhhh roooorrgharh rrrr."
(This asshole Solo certainly has a way with people. What
a fuckin' mess. But this tall black one shows a little
promise. Hmm...) He eyed Vader's stout, 7 foot frame
admiringly.
Lando slapped his hands together, smiling. "So, who
here's in the mood for a little Chinese?"

*********

A thick blast of steam filled the dimly-lit carbon
freezing chamber. Vader waved the steam out of his face,
sucking the last dregs of his wonton soup through a straw.
He belched appreciatively. "My compliments to your Chinese
cooks, Calrissian. Have them brought to my ship. They're
gonna take a little star trek with me for a while."
Lando stepped forward indignantly, chewing. He
dropped his fortune to the floor, unread. "Hey, man, you
said the cooks would be left in the city under my
supervision!"
"Perhaps you think you're being treated unfairly?"
Lando rolled his eyes. "Oh, no, you're treating me
like a king. I offer you free food, you kidnap my cooks.
I'm so happy!"
"Quit bitching. If not for me, you'd have that
wookie's schwanz halfway up your lower G.I. right now."
"I could've dealt with that. But I like Chinese!"
Chewie, surrounded by an armed guard of several
stormtroopers, barked out a laugh. "Rarrharh rheeahr!"
(Sure, Calrissian, you could have dealt. And we're all
gonna picnic on Alderaan next week with the Imperial
Senate.)
Han, his hands bound behind his back, was led onto the
carbon freezing platform. "Laugh it up, fuzzball. You're
too dumb to realize that I'll be probably be hanging in
Jabba's sculpture garden in a couple of days."
"Roowarrh raahahrhrr reeerrarroww." (You're breakin'
my fuckin' heart. Maybe I'll drop by every few years and
hose the pigeon shit off you.)
Boba Fett nudged Vader gently. "What if he doesn't
survive..."
Vader brushed his hand away. "Then he'll be dead.
And two plus two is four. Anything else need clearing up?"
Suddenly, Luke Skywalker burst into the chamber,
tightly gripping a somewhat poorly-constructed lightsaber.
"Alright, what the fuck's taking so long?"
Leia scampered in after him, wearing only a silver bra
and panties. She began tugging on Luke's arm. "Come on,
Luke. You're not done with your training yet."
Luke jerked his arm away roughly. "Hey, Vader, what's
the story? Why wasn't I invited to this little party?"
Vader approached Luke and patted his groin gently.
"The Force is with you, young Skywalker, but you're not a
Jedi yet. Now get back to our cabin and wait for me."
Han, noticing Luke, piped up. "Hokey religions and
ancient weapons are no match for a good Corellian cock in
your mouth, kid. I expected more from you." Luke,
noticing Han for the first time, pushed Vader aside and
approached.
"Han, old buddy."
"How are you doin, kid?"
"Same as always."
"That bad, huh?"
Han looked over Luke's saber. "Make that yourself?"
"Yeah."
"I thought so. Back on that dustball you told me you
gave up all this space samurai jive. 'Happy Forceshit' you
used to call it, remember? Why the change of heart?"
"Well," Luke shrugged, motioning to Vader. "I gotta
earn my keep somehow. It makes the old man happy, so I go
along with it."
Han eyed Leia appreciatively. "Who's your new prick
cozy?"
Luke grinned. "Princess Leia Organa, last of the
Alderaanian cock-squashers. The same chick we saw in that
message."
"No shit? Damn, kid, you really turned her around."
Leia approached, adjusting her bra over her abnormally
large breasts. She pinched Luke's ass. "Who's your
friend?"
"Gambler, con artist, scoundrel, you'll like him.
Leia, meet Han Solo."
Han leaned forward and kissed Leia's hand. "Must
admit, Your Highness, your wood factor has gone up a lot
since that holomessage."
Luke ran his hand through Leia's lustrous, long hair.
"Well, her hair's different, for one thing. And these,"
Luke grabbed one of Leia's breasts, squeezing it, "are
brand new. The latest T-38's from Silica IV."
Leia gently pulled Luke's hand away. "Careful, honey,
they're still kinda sensitive."
Han's gaze caressed Leia's bosom. "Well, Your
Highness, I guess this is it. Too bad."
"That's right." Leia began pulling Luke away from the
freezing platform.
"What's going on?" Luke glared at Leia, miffed.
"What are you, blind? He's being put into carbon
freeze."
"What? That's bullshit!"
"Hey, he chose his own path. Nobody chose it for
him."
"He's my friend, bitch, you don't even know him!"
"Alderaanian women can tell about people. And careful
who you call 'bitch.'"
Vader coughed, interrupting. "I hate to break this
up, but I'd rather not be here forever. Mr. Freeze?"
"He'd better survive this," Fett grumbled.
One of the stormtroopers moved to the carbon freezing
control panel. Luke immediately ignited his lightsaber.
Its sickly yellow beam sputtered and flashed. He brought
it down on the trooper's head, splitting it in half.
Sizzling hot blood sprayed Luke's face, and the trooper
flopped to the floor like a rag doll.
The other stormtroopers were already taking their aim
when Vader shouted, "Wait, hold your fire! He's just a
little angry, let him work it out."
Luke advanced on one of the other troopers, who
pointed his blaster at him shakily. "Uh, Lord Vader?" the
trooper asked urgently.
"What is it?"
"How about I just stun him?"
"No, don't interfere."
"Please, Lord?"
"Just follow orders, shitbird."
"Oh, fuc..." The troopers last words were cut short
by Luke's saber, which sliced through his helmet into his
neck. Luke wrenched the saber free, leaving the trooper's
helmeted head dangling from his neck by a slender ribbon of
flesh. The trooper began running around wildly, until he
smashed against a wall and slumped in a twitching heap,
spouting blood from his neck like a fountain.
Vader smiled. "Do you feel the Force, my boy?"
Luke grinned hellishly, his face red, as he
dismembered the rest of the passive and sheepish-looking
stormtrooper squad. "Yeah, this is fun! I feel the Force
for the first time in my life! It's like having the
biggest hard-on in the universe!"
"You've learned much, young one." Vader nudged Lando
and motioned to Luke. "I taught him everything, you know."
Chewie shook his head as he observed the steadily
growing pile of bodies. "Reearaghhr." (The last cup of
Ruurian decaf I had was stronger than all these cheesedicks
put together.)
When the last of the troopers was dead, Luke preened
happily, nearly slipping in their viscera. He beamed at
Vader.
"I want more guys! Send for more guys!"
"Game's over now, my son. Sorry, but we've gotta
freeze your friend. Leia, will you..."
Leia nodded and karate-chopped Luke lightly on the
back of the neck. He fell immediately.

Luke awoke to find himself held fast by IG-88. He
struggled uselessly. 88 laughed.
"Give it up, farm boy. You struggle like a bitch-pup
on a paper leash. Hey Vader, looks like you done hooked
yourself a sow instead of a boar."
"Shut up, 88," Vader hissed.
Luke looked around. They were all still in the carbon
freezing facility. "How long have I been out?"
Vader glanced at his watch. "Two hours."
"Two hours? What were you all doing?"
"Waiting."
"Why is this metal prick groping me?"
"You've gotta learn discipline."
"Is Han...?"
Han was sitting cross-legged on the freezing platform.
"I'm still here, kid. We couldn't have you sleeping
through the big dramatic scene, and the Dark Lord over
there wouldn't wake you up. Tell that chick to pull her
punch next time." Solo got up, groaning slightly at his
stiff joints.
"I've been lifting, okay?" Leia snorted, cleaning her
nails. "Suck my left."
"Love to, your Highnessness. Hope the milk isn't as
sour as your puss."
"Is that all you do? Talk?"
"Sorry, your Worship," Han grinned. "Haven't got time
for anything else."
Chewie suddenly roared in frustration.
"Rarearrhgharh!" (For Christ's sake, freeze the
sonofabitch and let's get on with our lives!)
"Here, here." Vader motioned to Leia, who pressed a
button on the freezing control. Han was slowly lowered
into the freezing pit. Luke struggled uselessly against
88. He looked deeply into Han's eyes.
"I love you." A tear streamed down his face.
Han looked back at Luke, sadly shaking his head. "It
was just sex, kid. There'll be another time. The
Princess. You've got to...take care of her, you know?
Show her who's the boss. Don't let her geld you. Every
man has a lightsaber. Doesn't matter how big it is. It's
how he uses it."
Leia laughed, rolling her eyes. "Okay, thanks for
that Kaiburr Crystal of wisdom. Sometimes I wish I wasn't
the only skirt in this saga."
"Join the club," Han grumbled. "Wonderful girl, Luke.
Either I'm gonna fuck her or I'm beginning to like her.
The platform hit the bottom, and a jet of steam filled
the pit. Han's eyes opened wide. "Hey, kid, this isn't so
bad! You should try..." His words were cut short as the
carbonite poured in.
Luke spoke bitterly as 88 released him. "Oh, man.
There goes my ride."
A huge mechanical claw lifted the block of carbonite
out of the pit and set it upright. A couple of Ugnaughts
scurried in and tipped the block over. It landed with a
huge thud.
A few parts of Han's body were protruding from the
carbonite, completely uncovered, including his mouth and
groin. He coughed out a few fragments of carbonite,
clearing his throat.
"What the fuck? I have a feeling something went
wrong."
Vader rubbed his helmet, frustrated. "Calrissian,
what's the story?"
Lando threw his hands up, indignant. "I told you we
don't usually use this for freezing people. We can do it
again, if you want."
"No, no, no, never mind. It's embarrassing enough as
it is." He glanced at Boba Fett. "Do you mind?"
"As long as he survives..."
"I'm glad you're so concerned with everyone's
survival." Vader began pointing at everyone in the room.
"Well look, he survived, I survived, you survived..."
"Hey, it's money, you know?"
"We oughta form a band, call ourselves 'The
Survivors.'"
Hans lips moved quickly. "Come on, this sucks, let me
out!"
Luke yelled at Vader. "Let him out. He's my friend."
Vader chuckled. "Oh, I don't know if he'd survive
that. What do you think, Boba?"
"Fuck you."
"Fuck me?!" Vader blanched in mock horror. "Oooh,
how can I survive such abuse!"
Fett flicked Vader off and left in a huff, shouting.
"Just leave Solo there, I'll come back for him. Prick."
Luke approached Vader, an intense look on his face.
He gripped his makeshift saber tightly. "Alright, Sugar
Daddy. Let my friend out, or we're gonna have a problem."
Vader shoved him back roughly. "What are you gonna
do, fuck me to death?" Vader motioned to Luke, and Luke's
zipper immediately went down. His prick was pulled out of
his pants by an invisible force.
Luke shook his head. "You're not gonna get me with
that again. I've got you wrapped around my little finger,
Darth. If I withhold sex for a day I can have you
squirming on the floor eating my shit like a starving
gravel-maggot."
Leia called out to Luke in a stern tone. "Come on,
Luke, do what he says."
"Bullshit, Leia. You didn't see us alone in the South
Passage. He expressed his true feelings for me. You've
never heard such sappy horseshit in your life. He'd die
without me." Luke snapped on his lightsaber and brandished
it before him.
Vader reluctantly pulled out his saber and switched it
on. Its powerful red beam made Luke's look pitiful in
comparison. He laughed. "You've learned much, young one,
but you've still got a long way to go. Look at your saber,
for Christ's sake. It bends the wrong way. You don't want
to fight me."
Luke smiled. "You'll find I'm full of..."
Without warning, Vader spun Luke's saber out of his
hand, and brought his own saber down on Luke's penis,
severing it completely. Luke screamed and fell to the
floor, clutching his groin. Vader circled him
triumphantly, leaning over and taunting him.
"Full of what? What were you gonna say? Formex?
Boiled chak-root, maybe? Fresh bacta? What exactly are
you full of?" Vader switched off his saber and clipped it
to his belt, then kicked Luke's penis over to him. "You
don't want to leave this lying around, you know, someone
might trip."
Chewie cringed. "Raeeggarrh roooeeer rawwar." (Never
thought I'd feel sorry for a human, but that's gotta smart.
Damn.)
Leia shook her head. "Goddamnit. I told him. Dumb
fuck."
Vader kneeled down in front of Luke. "You are beaten.
It is useless to resist. Don't make me destroy you."
Luke hissed through his teeth. "Oh, no, I wouldn't
want you to do anything drastic! You fucker!" He rolled
on the floor in agony.
"I know you're pissed now, but it was for your own
good. Someday you'll understand..."
"Understand?! When?! When it grows back?!"
"Oh, stop whining. Hey, Obi-Wan never told you what
happened to your father, did he?"
"He told me enough! He told me you killed him, which
was bullshit, of course. Actually he got gang-fucked to
death by a bunch of..."
"No...I am your father."
Luke looked up at him. "Oh, great. It's bad enough
I was fucking my own sister. This makes Oedipus Rex look
like 'My Three Sons.'"
"What?!" Leia yelled from the back of the room.
"What was that about a sister?"
"Leia, you're my sister. Vader's our Dad."
"Sure. And Lando's our mom, I guess. That makes
these Ugnaughts our half-brothers."
Lando began backing away. "This is too weird for me.
Fuck this, I'm Audi 5000." Lando ran from the room,
followed by the jabbering group of Ugnaughts.
IG-88 walked stiffly toward the exit, following them
out. "Y'all have a lot of catchin' up to do. Adios."
Han piped up from inside the carbonite. "Is anybody
here related to me? I'd like to know now, before I fuck
anyone else."
Leia sat down on Han, scratching her breasts. "Don't
worry, you're safe. Jesus, this is twisted."
"Looks like father and son have a lot to work out over
there."
"Yeah."
"Hey Princess. Seein' as how we're not related, and
this might be my last chance for a while...How'd you like
a hearty breakfast of Corellian sausage with gravy?"
Leia examined Han's penis, which dangled free of the
carbonite block. She flicked it lightly with her finger,
weighing her options. "I don't know."
"Well Luke's out of commission for a while. And
Vader's your...well, you'd be swallowing what could have
been another brother or sister, you know."
Han's penis began filling with blood. Leia shrugged.
"What the hell." She began flicking at it lightly with her
tongue, letting it grow upward to meet her lips. Han
groaned.
"You're one of those chicks with a thing for pirates,
aren't you?"
Leia licked her lips, tasting Han's pre-ejaculate. "I
happen to like nice men."
"I'm nice men."
"We'll see." Han's cock was fully erect now, and she
took it languidly into her mouth, covering most of its
length. She twisted her head from side to side, biting
down slightly and gently washing it with her tongue.
"Oh, baby. It's kinda nice bein' frozen. Oh,
yeah..." He gritted his teeth at the sensations.
Leia's head bobbed up and down rhythmically over his
cock. With her hand she played with his balls, which were
soft and pliable from the heat. Slowly, she lifted her
mouth away from him and began working his cock with her
hand. She slid down with her tongue and began sucking
Solo's testicles. She went from one to the other, letting
each pop into her mouth from the suction.
Meanwhile, Vader was running his hand through Luke's
hair, trying to console him.
"Luke, you can destroy the Emperor. He has foreseen
this."
"I wish he'd warned me about this part."
"It is your destiny."
"Oh, fuck off." Luke began dragging himself away from
Vader, leaving an enormous trail of blood. "Everybody's
always tellin' me about my destiny. 'Be a farmer, Luke,'
'Be a jedi, Luke,' 'Be a pirate, Luke.' 'Stay on
Tatooine,' 'Go to Dagobah', 'Go to Hell.' 'Suck dick,'
'Eat pussy.' I'm sick of all you twisted old motherfuckers
telling me what to do. I'm gonna choose my destiny!"
"And exactly what are you gonna choose?"
"I don't know yet! Everything looks pretty shitty so
far. But when I find something..."
"Sure, keep dreaming. Your old man's as good as
you'll get, boy." Vader picked Luke's penis up off the
floor and put it in his belt. He stood up and straightened
his robe. "I'll be back on my ship waiting for you. But
don't take too long." He left.
Leia was tracing the veins on Han's cock with her
tongue, marveling at his staying power. "You're not too
shabby, Corellian. Luke never lasted more than 30 seconds
in my mouth."
"The kid's got a lot to learn."
Leia looked up at Chewie, who was watching
dispassionately while checking himself for parasites.
"Who's the walking carpet over there?"
"That's Chewbacca, my co-pilot."
"Why doesn't he join us?"
"I don't know, sister, he's a little big."
"You forget, I'm Alderaanian." She motioned to
Chewie. "Here boy, come on, here boy! Mama's got
something nice for you."
Chewie laughed. "Reeauurhgahh raaahh." (No respect
for her elders. Aw, what the fuck. I'll give this chesty
one something to regret in the morning.) He walked
casually over. Leia was huddled over Han's groin, her ass
in the air. Chewie hooked one curled claw under the strap
of her bikini briefs and ripped them off. He surveyed her
vagina, spreading it with his thumbs.
"Roooarrhh raagarr reeeoouurarrh." ('It is easier for
a Rancor to pass through the eye of a needle...')
"Come on, Chewie," Han urged. "Get in there, you big
furry oaf. I don't care what you smell."
Chewie lubricated his cock as best he could and
inserted it, half-erect, into Leia's cunt. She gasped at
the sensation.
"Jeeezus Christ! How much of you is there?"
"Reearrreeuhhgh rawarr." (You don't want to know,
honey.)
Chewie began pumping his hips rhythmically, driving
himself into Leia as far as he could go. Half of his cock
was still outside her as it continued its merciless
expansion. He leaned forward and bit Leia on the shoulder
viciously. She let out a muffled cry of pain, climaxing at
the same time, and momentarily forgetting about Han's cock,
which was still pressed enthusiastically against her uvula.
Blood began to stream from the wound in her shoulder.
Chewie withdrew his fangs and settled into an
easygoing stroke, starting to enjoy the sensations of
Leia's vagina (which was of course remarkably small by
wookie standards.) Leia panted and moaned desperately,
sweat flying from her and spattering Han's lips.
"Hey, Chewie, what the hell's going on back there?"
Han's mouth turned down at the edges, frowning.
"Reearrahrhra rooooaaruaur reeeaaarrhghh." (I could
develop a taste for this. Forgive me, Malla.) He
continued stroking, the tension steadily mounting. Leia's
eyes fluttered as she teetered on the brink of
unconsciousness.
"Oh God, Oh God, Oh God..."
From the other side of the chamber, Luke watched
bitterly, still using both hands to staunch the bleeding
from his groin. "Boy, I hope you're all having fun over
there. Never mind Luke who just got his dick cut off and
carried into space by his own father. Just let him watch
his only sister get fucked by a dog, no problem. He
doesn't mind."
Leia screamed out, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Her panting
breaths began to assume an almost musical tone. She was
sure Chewie's prick would certainly tear her in half.
Chewie began emitting a strange, low pitched growl.
"Please let that sound mean he's about to come."
Han's cock flopped against her cheek as she was jerked back
and forth.
"Bingo, your Highness." Han said. "It won't be too
much longer."
With a spasm that seemed to shake the entire floor,
Chewie climaxed, expelling a thick load of semen into Leia.
He roared mightily as it overflowed her cunt, squeezing out
past his cock and splashing onto the floor.
Leia exhaled, exhausted. "I'm glad he's not multi-
orgasmic. I can practically taste it. Remind me never to
do this again." She began kissing Han's cock gratefully.
"Thank God for the average. Now let's get him out of me so
I can clean up."
Han chuckled. "'Fraid not, your Worship."
"What?"
"Well, you see, a wookie's penis expands inside the
vagina during intercourse. Barring an episiotomy, there's
no way we can get him out of you for at least the next 8
hours."
"You're kidding, right?"
"Nope."
Leia rubbed her forehead, exhausted. "My mother
warned me there'd be days like this."
Luke glared at the three of them, muttering under his
breath. "Fuck you all."

*********

In the Cloud City medical center, Two-One-Bee was
putting the finishing touches on Luke's new penis. Under
remote control, it hardened and softened at intervals of 30
seconds.
Luke yawned. "Is it done yet?"
"Just a moment, sir." Two-One-Bee began poking the
penis with a sharp-edged prod. Luke winced.
"Ow! What the fuck is that for?"
"I don't know." Two-One-Bee withdrew the prod.
Luke got up from his bed and walked around the room,
gently stroking his new organ. "Well, I'd like to test
this thing out. How 'bout it, sis?"
Leia lay on her stomach in the bed next to his, her
ass heavily bandaged. She frowned at him. "Very funny,
Luke. This droid says I won't be able to piss without his
help for a couple more weeks. Fuckin' wookie."
"I guess now you appreciate me a little more."
"Don't jump to conclusions. Solo is better than you
are."
"That reminds me. You'll have to do without him for
a while. I gave him to Boba Fett. They oughta be half-way
to Tatooine by now."
Leia suddenly looked confused. "Wait a second. We
blew up Tatooine with the Death Star, remember? Along with
Akrit'tar, Ammuud, Dellalt, Orron III..."
"I meant Dantooine. Jabba the Hutt has a summer place
there. I'm sure he wasn't on Tatooine when it blew."
"So you gave up your best friend just to spite me?"
"Yep. I don't give a shit. I'll make lots of friends
with my new dick."
"You're becoming quite a mercenary. Do you actually
care about anything, or anybody?"
"Apart from me?"
"Yeah."
"Nope."
"That's what I figured." Leia spat in disgust and
picked up a magazine.
Luke tapped Two-One-Bee on the shoulder. "So how long
can I last during sex with this thing?"
"However long you want to, sir."
"And I can make it as big as I want?"
"The synthetic skin is tested up to 15 inches."
Luke laughed. "You better get used to this hospital,
Leia. Shit, I'll have half the city in here with sore
asses in a week."
"Yeah, right," Leia grumbled. "Our dad might have
something to say about that."
"Oh, fuck our Dad. He can jerk off up there 'til his
orbit decays. What did he ever do for us? He can't stop
me. With my new prick I'm gonna learn the ways of the
Force and become a Jedi. Then nobody can fuck with me.
I'll show 'em. I'll show the whole fuckin' galaxy. They
won't soon forget the name Skywalker."
Luke pulled on a pair of pants. "Hey, droid, where's
the elementary school in this city? Might as well start
with the little ones first. Everybody'll know who their
real Daddy is soon. Big Daddy Luke."
"I think you should rest for a bit longer, sir. How
do you feel?"
Luke gripped his new prick tightly, caressing its
flank. "Young, baby." He grinned malevolently as he
strode out of the medical center. "I feel young!"

"Darth Maul is a very cool villian."

Cool-looking, yes, but as a character he was a complete non-entity. Did he even have 3 words of dialogue?

The light saber fight with the opening and closing doors, however, was the best scene in the movie. For my money, even better than the pod race.

I really didn't like the pod race. For me, it was like watching a rigged boxing match. I know, you always know this in a movie, or at least suspect theta the hero has to win, but this was a) in the middle of the movie, so something that felt a little less contrived would have been nice, and b) this is the future Darth Vader here. We already know he's going to become one of the greatest forces of evil the 'ooniverse will ever know. How does he get there? A broken heart? Puh-leeze. Having his heart smashed by losing a critical pod race as a child, bankrupting the jedi who were trying to free him and disappointing his once and future princess-hottie? THAT would do it!

Hey, I'd be Darth Kazz the next day...

(Whistles)

>The light saber fight with the opening and closing doors, however, was the best scene in the movie. For my money, even better than the pod race.

The final saber duel in Phantom Menace is the best scene in the entire Star Wars series, but it's one of the very few things Phantom Menace has going for it. I hated the Pod race, Jar Jar, Jake Lloyd, Metachlorians, the fart joke, the shit joke, the slapstick battle scenes, the fact that all of the other conflicts were resolved "accidentally" by someone going "oops" and pressing the right button, or stumbling in the right direction, and I even disliked John Williams music, which was generally uninspired (other than Dual of the Fates, which was amazing) .

Hayden Christensen was very good in Life as a House (a terrible movie), so hopefully the dialogue won't be as stilted as it appeared in the first half of the last trailer.

Stefan

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Quote:

Cool-looking, yes, but as a character he was a complete non-entity. Did he even have 3 words of dialogue?

The light saber fight with the opening and closing doors, however, was the best scene in the movie. For my money, even better than the pod race.

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"...Amanpour has earned her title through tenacity and old-fashioned grit, dodging bullets . . . "

Thanks Supertanker. I appreciate any article that mentions me and Ashleigh Banfield in the same breath, even if it does claim she is "the perfect anti-Amanpour."

Oh, and right back atcha:

http://www.corona.bc.ca/films/details/supertanker.html

and

http://clevermedia.com/arcade/quiz/tanker.html

Amanpour

"I hated the Pod race, Jar Jar, Jake Lloyd, Metachlorians, the fart joke, the shit joke, the slapstick battle scenes, the fact that all of the other conflicts were resolved "accidentally" by someone going "oops" and pressing the right button, or stumbling in the right direction, and I even disliked John Williams music, which was generally uninspired (other than Dual of the Fates, which was amazing)."

Something is wrong here... I just nodded through this whole post saying "Yep... me too".

The Pod race was tacked on and meant for kids. It didn't further the plot, the movie, or any of the character development. It was useless filler.

What SHOULD have happened in the Pod race: Anakin is about to lose the race. He's in second place behind a really nice guy who didn't cheat in the entire race. To foreshadow his eventual decent to the dark side, he reaches out, without realizing it, and wills the 1st place driver to steer his Pod into a pillar, killing him. He wins the race, everyone cheers, people think it's an accident (except for Obi Wan and Liam Neesan - whose character name I can't spell worth a damn), and we see Anakin, kinda suspecting that he caused the crash, smiling as he looks at the wreckage.

Instead, we have Anakin, the pure kid who isn't going to do anything wrong. He'll become Darth Vadar, but only because Obi Wan treats him like a kid.

Dammit, the emperor is supposed to turn him to the Dark Side because, at his heart, Anakin is corruptable. A few "you will rule the universe"s and a few "hate makes you stronger"s and he is suddenly turning into Darth Vadar.

God, I hate Lucas

'The Pod race was tacked on and meant for kids. It didn't further the plot, the movie, or any of the character development. It was useless filler.'

Game licensing, too. That alternate way for Anakin winning is perfect, of course. George should get the hell out of the way and let the net write his movies.

Great, I got to all the trouble to be circumspect about it and someone cut and pastes the entire thing.

mmm...lightsabre duels....


BTW, Jim, I loved that alternate race ending idea.

Jim that would have made the movie much better, that and Jar Jar getting blown up. And of course anakin and the princess look the same age even tho she's like 10 years older? She needs to look older and more ugly JK :)

Not to mention the ending would have been a lot more satisfying had Annakin actually blown up the Imperial vessel on purpose, rather than bumbling around like a pint-sized Jerry Lewis. If there had been a scene earlier in the film in which we saw him practicing marksmanship, for instance, this might be vaguely plausible.

The "accidental victory" thang left me with a really bad taste in my mouth as I left the theater. I would go for that in a comedy, but not in a hero quest film in the Joseph Campbell vein.

She's meant to be about five years older than him, so that's not a TOTAL stretch...

While I really enjoyed the movie, and don't typically get too critical of anything Star Wars because it's...well, it's Star Wars, I will eagerly acknowledge that your idea of the pod race, Jim, might be more appropriate. Also, it might give Qui-Gon more reason to want to train him, to harness his power, and give the Jedi council further reason to deny it...

Yeah, okay, I'm loving the alternate ending to the pod race. But I don't have a huge problem with the way it is.

Oh, and nothing happened by "oops" and pressing the right button (was it Desslock that said that?) -- it was the Force, man. Anakin and Jar-Jar just didn't realize it at the time. Come on, now!

Dropped in a little late on this one.

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Quote:

1. He's a racist stereotype. Ok, I *suppose* Lucas could be living in a magical ethnic-free fantasy world and didn't notice, but it's awfully goddamn coincidental. Don't get me started on the Asian trader conspiracy or the Jewish slave-owning bug.

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